| December |
[Dec. 1st, 2009|01:27 am] |
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I was reading a webcomic and looked at the date. It's apparently suddenly December. I don't think I was really used to November yet, Thanksgiving notwithstanding. The time, it does fly. |
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| Melancholia |
[Oct. 25th, 2009|08:23 am] |
The other day it came home to me again - which is to say that I was aware of it for some time but don't really think about it much - that the last girl I ever really had a crush on and pretty much the only girl I can really lagitimately claim to have dated are both getting married. It's important to understand that neither has been an active part of my life in quite some time, and while I still hold a lingering friendship and, yes, affection for both, I also believe that both deserve the best the world has to offer them and frankly have no illusions that that person is me. I'm happy for them, and in some ways I probably have a better relationship with them now than I did when I had the chance to see them regularly, but I'm still somewhat disturbed by what it may say about my own life and future.
In most practical ways it's not really a particularly important thing, and most of the time I pretty much treat it as such, but it's still slightly shocking to realize that it has been something over a decade since you last fell in love. In some ways, I suppose I don't really "need" to be in love anymore; for better and for worse my life is what I have made of it, and the fact is that I don't feel the yawning emptiness and awful lonliness now nearly so intensely nor so frequently as I did when I was a younger man. I've also come to terms long since with the fact that I'm not someone whom most women find attractive, and feel no particular need to change that. (A recurring theme of my life has been an unwillingness to change who I am to suit the desires of others, which I consider a relic of the days of "just say No". I'm aware that this has caused me no end of trouble over the years, but ironically am not inclined to change it.) I know that I am still attracted to women in general terms, but at this stage of my life I have yet to meet one whom I would consider a particularly good prospect for romance.
I'm not really sure how I feel about that.
In part, of course, the problem is internal. Historically I've always fallen for girls, more than anything, whom I admired, and I must admit that in my adolescent mind I elevated them and those character traits which I admired about them to almost iconic levels. To this day I can list for myself every girl I've ever fallen for by name, along with the archetype with which I associated her. (There was a song popular at the time called "She's So High Above Me." My sister disliked it because she felt the guy singing was an idiot. I was more ambivilant because it was a pretty good description of what I knew, at some level, I was doing.) I was younger then, and in retrospect it probably wasn't a very good way of relating to people or especially fair to the girls involved, but I can acknowledge it now. I think that trend was deminishing as college came to a close, and I haven't met anyone since graduating whom I would consider that type of attraction to. I'm not sure whether I've outgrown the tendancy or just haven't met anyone who has pushed those particular buttons, and to be honest I'm not sure I want to find out.
At this stage of my life, of course, I'm not at all sure that I would want to have that type of a relationship with a woman. It was intense, to be sure, but I'm not at all certain that it was healthy. I understand intellectually that a healthy couple must be "equally yoked" to use a Biblical phrase, and that if anything I probably have a role as a leader to fulfill. (I have never really considered myself a leader.) Still, I sometimes wonder whether, feeling no intense need or desire as I do, I am functionally resigned to spending the rest of my life as a bachelor - and whether I can feel fulfilled in the long-term in that role. I'm in an awkward place in my live, because while I'm not especially in need of a girlfriend, there is a part of me that wants at some point to have a spouse and another part who wants to devote itself to and delight in children of my own. (I don't feel that society really understands this sort of feeling in a man, and I am reluctant to express it even here.)
In any case, I generally try not to dwell on such thoughts. When it hit home the other day I was brought back to the melancholy feelings which permeated so much of my youth, and the lonliness of loving others who show little or no regard in return, and certainly not of the same magnitude. For me, this feeling has always been the dark flipside to being in love, and is one aspect at least of the experience which I am glad - if only a bittersweet gladness - to put behind me. I know that I have not lived up to what many people including myself expected of me - a thought for another day - but I am generally pretty satisfied with my life when I don't focus upon what's lacking. I'm OK today, and expect I shall be for the forseeable future, but I can't help but wonder if things will ever change - and whether I want them to or not.
All things considered, I think it's a good thing that these two good friends of mine are getting married. Both seem genuinely happy, and I'm glad that they will have someone to be with for the remainder of their natural lives. "Man was not meant to be alone." I know that, and so I rejoice for those who have found someone to share their lives with. As for me, I will continue living as I have for the time being. I used to joke that the appropriate verse regarding my future spouse was Genisis 22:8, often paraphrased simply "The Lord will provide the sacrifice." Today, though, I think I would prefer one which has comforted me in times of trouble.
Psalm 27:14 -
Wait for the Lord
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
I pray that all who read this find happiness and fulfillment in their lives today. I know I'll be fine, and I hope that all of you will as well. May God bless you.
Tim |
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| there's something in the water. |
[Aug. 25th, 2009|09:29 pm] |
The water in greater BF is positively foul today. It's been kinda annoyingly bad for a while, but today it's just nasty; there's this aftertaste that - at least to me - seems almost like a cross between metal and black licorice, but far less pleasant than that sounds. It leaves me salavating and with a slightly tingly tongue after I drink it, so I'm trying to avoid the water and drink stuff that comes in a bottle or can. With all the 1632 novels I've been reading I feel like I'm back in the 17th century, although if I were it would be beer and not iced tea or orange juice I'm drinking. If it's still nasty tomorrow I think I'll take a drive out to Boardman for dinner and a movie. I have the money since my travel plans for the weekend fell through, and I think a nice meal somewhere where I can actually drink the water would be nice. Of course, chances are I'll order a soft drink, but you get the idea.
Other than that, not much to report that I could go into detail on. Suffice it to say that I'm more motivated than I have been in a while to get a library position, but still haven't made as much progress as I'd like. Still, the weekend went well even if I didn't travel, and I'm rested and relaxed and relatively stress-free - at least until this weekend.
Anyway, that's it for this post. Sorry to be dull, but there's really not much to report. If BF gets hit by some zombie plague or something in the next few days (or just goes "silent"), now you know why.
Have a nice day. |
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| Weekend plans |
[Aug. 21st, 2009|07:57 pm] |
Well, I had two sets of potential weekend plans, a main and a fallback, and both seem to have fallen through. It's not a big deal, but I have off from now until next Tuesday and that seems like too good of an opportunity to pass up, so I'm thinking of heading south for the weekend. If anyone lives in the greater Baltimore region or along my likely route there or back, if I go it'll probably be tomorrow morning sometime and I would like to see you while I'm there. I have a little time and a little money but not nearly enough social life at the moment, so this is how I'm choosing to spend them. If you think you can work with me on this, please get back to me ASAP so I can work on coordinating with you.
Also, tomorrow is Linda's birthday. Be sure to wish her a happy one!
Tim |
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| So a funny thing happened when I got to work today |
[Aug. 4th, 2009|04:15 pm] |
As some of you know, my sister Hannah just got married. The wedding was a lot of fun, but arranging to get to it was stupid drama pain, per usual. Following the wedding I had a pleasant week off which included time with family, a visit w/ the Philly Peeps, and a lunch in Hershey next to the park with Drew and his family. Following all of this, I came home in time to play in Dan's game.
All in all, a pretty decent and much-needed vacation.
This brings me to today.
When I got to work today, I was told that I wasn't on the schedule. This was briefly cause for concern, as you can no doubt imagine, but the situation was quickly resolved. It seems that, having reached eight years' seniority, I qualified for an extra week off this year. Unfortunately this time off was not able to get me the time that would have saved me the trouble over the wedding, but as a consulation prize I was able to get it the week following wedding week. I accepted this option at the time, along with a week in October that looked promising, and promptly forgot about it in my focus upon getting the time I needed to get to the wedding.
All of this is a very long way of saying that I was supposed to be on vacation again this week.
Apart from some confused looks from several co-workers, this is actually a surprisingly painless scenario at McGuire. Unlike actually GETTING the time off you need for specific events, swapping out time scheduled off is apparently relatively easy to do - provided you don't mind choosing from whatever weeks are left over in the balance of the year. Naturally, having blown all manner of time and money getting home, I had no really good use for a week off now, so I traded the time back in and have my choice of maybe a half-dozen weeks between now and December to choose from. None of them are very useful, from what I can see, but it's something; possibly I can attend a con or something with the time.
So anyway, yeah, that's the story. I figure I have a couple of days before I really need to worry about it, but I'll be looking at my options very carefully. Who knows; for once an interesting mistake may actually work out pretty well!
Have a great day, everyone!
<b>UPDATED</b>
It seems that one of the available weeks would allow me 2/3 of Nekocon, directly helping with it and indirectly freeing up time for NYAF. I may be able to attend events this year after all, assuming I'm not moving and/or getting used to a new job! |
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| Wedding |
[Jul. 27th, 2009|12:12 am] |
Well, the wedding was completely successful and more than a little bit of fun. Hannah was a beautiful bride, and everything went without a hitch. True, there was rain and it was probably the stickiest day we've had this year, but the rain only happened during the meal (indoors), and it actually reduced the temperature a bit. All told, a wonderful day.
Still undecided, but I'm strongly leaning toward heading to Philly for next weekend.
Hope everyone is doing well. Have a great day. |
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| Vacation |
[Jul. 26th, 2009|12:50 am] |
Well, I've successfully begun my vacation. As some of you know, I wasn't able to afford airfare to my sister's wedding due to having to wait so _ehem_ long to know if I had the time off, so I drove out. The 10+ hour drive was actually pretty pleasant, to be honest; I took my time, had plenty to eat and drink, had a number of books on CD to listen to, and took a number of naps when I got tired. I also coincidentally had a near-miss to a visit with Drew's family, who were on the same road in the opposite direction at the same time, because it turned out that there was nowhere of any value to stop and visit in mid-PA; I'll hopefully see them on the way back. All told, it was a longish day but not unpleasant.
I'm now at my parents' place in MA. Hannah's wedding is tomorrow morning at around 10, and it looks as though everything is going exactly as planned. She and Matt have been dating for about six years now and has been close with my whole family for most of that time, so we have high hopes for the marraige. All told, it looks like a very positive thing, and I'm looking forward to it.
My own role in the wedding is as an usher. I'll be escorting my mother and grandmother, along with the groom's sister. I'll be wearing a rather nice-looking tux which I'll probably roast in but which is at least comfortable, apart from the shoes which pinch my outer toes because I'm not used to shoes which come to a point.
After the wedding, I'm not really sure what I'm planning on doing with the balance of the week. I don't have to be back to work until next Tuesday, so I have plenty of time, but no specific plans. I generally plan to spend time with family (except Hannah) until at least Thursday, bearing in mind that they all have busy lives of their own during that time, but I don't yet know what I'll do. I do hope to introduce Becky and Jake to Arkham Horror, though, and I suspect that there will be some small thing for my birthday as well, and probably at least one visit to see extended family, probably my grandparents.
My parents are going away for next weekend, so I'm probably not staying here past sometime Friday. My current plans are still somewhat up-in-the-air on that point, but I basically have two options. The first option is to head back the way I came, stopping in Wilkes-Barre to see the Cassidys who are visiting there. The second is to head toward Philly via NY and visit w/ friends there for about three days, stopping in Lancaster to see the Cassadys on the way home on Monday, by which time they will be back at home. It's a bit early to decide which option I'll opt for, so I'm waiting for Thursday to decide, but at this time I'm leaning toward Philly with mild regrets that there won't be time to go all the way to Baltimore while I'm at it. (Anyone who wants to join me in Philly or en route, though...)
Anyway, that's how it is so far. Apart from finishing and submitting an application or two and, of course, the wedding, I'm hoping for a pleasant and relaxing vacation. I hope all of you are doing very well, and I'm looking forward to seeing you as soon as can be arranged.
Have a wonderful day, everyone!
Tim |
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| Otakon *sigh* |
[Jun. 24th, 2009|03:57 pm] |
Apologies in advance to anyone and everyone reading this whose life is negatively impacted by it. Up until now I've been saying that it was going to be difficult for me to make it to Otakon this year, but I was hopeful and planned on giving it my best shot. As of today, those chances have been dealt a serious blow by ordinary foolishness.
As many of you know, my sister Hannah is getting married at the end of next month. Many of you also know that getting time off from work is absurdly difficult for me to do. Fortunately - or so I believed - Otakon this year fell on the weekend of July 10-12, which is a weekend during which I am already off and furthermore is not adjacent to the week of my sister's wedding - or so I thought.
In actual fact, it turns out that Otakon isn't until one week later, the weekend of July 17-19, which I do not have off and which is the weekend directly before the wedding. I have no idea how I got the notion that it was the week before this - probably a miscommunication during one of my phone conversations on the subject - but this changes almost everything. In order to get the weekend of July 17-19 off, I will essentially be required to find a minimum of two switches and successfully get at least one critical personal day, and believe me, that's no small order. Additionally, since the wedding is the very next weekend, I will already be seeking time off for it, and thus will have even less to offer in trade and even more to stress about. None of this is impossible, of course, in an ideal world, but my history with my job suggests that it tends to be far from ideal, especially where things like this are concerned. Add in a few unexpected expenses in the range of $300-600 and the fact that I will have no way of knowing about any of the personal days until the calander week before, and the fun just keeps on coming.
All told, this slashes my already limited chances of making Otakon very nearly to the bone. It's deeply frustrating and upsetting, as I was really looking forward to attending and had even made some tentative plans for Mara - my Larp character - that I thought had some merit. As things stand I will still be making an effort, but the harsh truth is that I am unlikely to have even a ghost of a chance of success.
Anyway, that's the story. No-one to blame but myself, but it still really stinks. As recently as yesterday I thought I had a pretty good chance of making it, and I'll still be trying, but the truth is that I'm probably SOL. That said, I hope everyone else has a really great time, and I'll try to see as many of you as I can at one or both of the events later this year. |
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| Cedar Point trip |
[May. 28th, 2009|03:53 pm] |
Short version: looks like it's not happening this weekend. Lots of people were interested but too far or too financially strapped, and lots more never got back to me. I haven't decided whether to blitz the phone one last time or just let things stand as they are, but for now it looks like I'll be waiting until later for this particular trip.
Given the imminent failure of said trip, I'm looking at options. Ideally I'd like to be back in time to be there for at least part of John and Ciara's monthly gathering on Sunday, but my next best option is to leave tomorrow after work and spend at least part of Friday and all of Saturday visiting MD peeps including but not limited to Regan's housewarming. Not sure how viable that plan is, but I know I'd probably have to leave around noon on Sunday if I want to make John and Ciara's event. It's looking like a long and rather intense journey, but I've been lacking society for weeks so it may be an option.
So yeah. The best-laid plans and all that, I guess; if all else fails goodness knows I have enough media here to keep my attention. That's all for now; perhaps more as it develops. |
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| Cedar Point |
[May. 22nd, 2009|05:40 pm] |
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Cedar Point theme park opens this weekend. I'm working this weekend, but I'm off next weekend. I want to go to Cedar Point. Who wants to go with me a week from tomorrow? |
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| Day off |
[May. 21st, 2009|07:34 am] |
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So I have the day off today. I spent last night marathoning Trinity Blood. Good, entertaining show, but with a strange sort-of non-ending; really felt like they tried to cram way too much into the last episode or two. Even so, I enjoyed it; I also maintain my initial assessment, which is that Abel Nightroad = Vash the Stampede + Alucard only technically Catholic. Anyway, I need to eat and probably rest a bit, and I have some productive, responsible stuff I should probably blow time and effort on too, but so far I'm feeling pretty good. I hope everyone out there is doing well and enjoys their long weekend while I'm working as much as or more than I'm enjoying my one-day weekend today. Have a great day! |
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| *sigh* |
[May. 11th, 2009|11:25 am] |
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So, the last girl I ever had a crush on and the last girl I ever dated are both engaged. It's been a long time, so I'm not really surprised; if anything I'm shocked it took this long. It's exciting, and I'm honestly thrilled for both of them, but I've gotta say that it does drive home that whole "I'm old and alone" feeling. Still, I'm only 30, I have a lot of life ahead of me, and I genuinely care for these people too much to begrudge them their happiness; Lord knows they deserve it. May their days be filled with blessings and every good thing; Amen. |
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| Graduated |
[Apr. 27th, 2009|10:08 pm] |
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I am now officially a librarian. Well, except for that whole pesky "getting hired" thing. I'll be working on that for the next several weeks/until it is no longer an issue. |
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| Angelo Inc. |
[Apr. 6th, 2009|11:04 pm] |
Hey all. I've been meaning to post this for a bit but kept forgetting. You should all go over to http://www.angeloinc.com/index.html and read the comic there. It's written by my best friend from high school and features a number of characters based very loosely upon people whom I know. Adrian is a great guy and a good friend, as well as being quite witty. I hope you all enjoy it. |
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| I'm bored. Let's talk about the weather. |
[Apr. 6th, 2009|08:22 pm] |
So here it is, April 6th, and it's SNOWING out. Pretty hard, too, considering. We're supposed to get something like 2" tonight and another 1" tomorrow.
Darned global warming.
You know what I miss? El Nino. Remeber when we could just blame all this crazy weather crap on El Nino? El Nino was a little jerk, but at least he was a convenient excuse. These days we have global warming that we can blame for everything, but it's not really as satisfying because apparently all of the global warming crap is because of us humans, or more often us Americans, or occasionally the evil soccer moms with their SUVs, or (in the case of Katrina) George W. Bush. (Really, after Katrina I heard one guy blame Bush PERSONALLY for the storm. Not for the FEMA crap, for the storm itself, because he didn't sign the Kyoto Accord and, presumably, this pissed Mother Earth off or something.)
But yes. I miss El Nino, because he was such a convenient scapegoat. El Nino was no-one's fault, he was just wind breaking through Mexico or something, and who's gonna blame them? No-one who's had a burrito, anyway.
So it's snowing in April. Not unheard of, but given that Easter is less than a week away, pretty disconcerting. A couple of days ago it was sunny and warm, and the day before that it was raining but at least it was warm, but on the way home from class I had to deal with rain, sleet, snow, fog, hail - I felt like I was in the Postal Service. It wasn't really that bad, since the snow wasn't really sticking yet, but the visibility was lousy and anyway it's the principle of the thing.
In other news, I find that I'm very nearly officially a librarian, except for that whole pesky getting hired thing. In less than two weeks I complete my final class of the semester, meaning that I have just two weeks to procrastinate on my two final papers before I qualify to officially become a librarian. Naturally I don't actually expect to procrastinate right up until the last day on those two papers (mainly since one of them is due next week), but you understand what I'm saying. I qualify to walk on a Saturday some three weeks hence, but I'm scheduled to work that day so I don't think I'm likely to be going, which is a shame, but not really since I don't think anyone is likely to be able to make it out this way to see it anyway.
Regardless, this represents a significant achievement in my life: I will have proven that I am capable of navigating the labyrenth that is financial aid very nearly on my own.
Oh yeah, and that I can be a librarian. That too.
Still, despite my apparent attitude, I am actually pretty excited about graduating. I'm still nervous about the change, of course, and I'm sure that I'll miss the kids at McGuire, but I think I'll make a pretty good librarian. I like books, I like knowledge, I like helping people, and I'm pretty good at puzzles, so I think it's a pretty good match. I'm rather hoping for a reference position because I think it has more variety and also because I like helping people find things out, but we'll see what turns up. All things considered I could ask for a better climate to search for a new career in, (darn global warming again!) but at least I'm in a growing field.
All things considered, it's an interesting time to be alive, even if only in the Chinese proverbial sense of the word, and I intend to enjoy it.
Now I think I'll go try to find out what happened to El Nino. I'm betting Al Gore killed him and blamed it on Bush. |
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| anime |
[Mar. 29th, 2009|04:36 pm] |
Just finished La Chevalie d'Eon. Not bad; I rather liked it. It gave an interesting take on European history, plus had some fair swashbuckling and a couple of characters who may be viable for Larp someday, albiet with some effort and creativity. (Mainly useful as a political character. Also useful as an excuse to spout scripture and use it to kill people. Directly. With crazy glowy word things.)
Perhaps more later; I've places to be. |
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| Watchmen |
[Mar. 10th, 2009|08:41 pm] |
So, as I imagine you guessed from the title, I just watched the movie Watchmen.
On the whole, I would have to say it was very good. It was intense and pulled no punches - figuratively or literally. There were things about it I could have done without seeing, and I would have serious reservations in reccommending it to roughly 50% of the people I know, but for those who wouldn't be repulsed by it I think it would be a pretty good watch. (Mind you, this is a film that jumps straight over "gritty" into downright "brutal" territory, but there you are.)
I haven't decided whether it's a movie I'll actually purchase, and I honestly have my doubts since I couldn't possibly show it at work and most of my movies are purchased with that in mind, but I am seriously considering purchasing the graph novel and tabling the movie decision until later. I avoided reading the original comic in advance because I didn't want to spoil the film for myself, and because I expect that it will probably be better. Oddly enough, large portions of the characters and story were familiar anyway; not sure why.
In any case, yeah. Watchmen. Intense and gory and brutal, but in a generally well done way if you're into - or can get past - that sort of thing, with a number of elements that will make interesting conversation starters later on. |
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| Games |
[Mar. 8th, 2009|07:57 pm] |
Just started Le Chevalie d'eon. Pretty cool so far. I also note with interest that the dates, with a little wiggling, could possibly be tied in with Baccano, suggesting some potential for a crossover fanfic or an interesting Larp encounter.
Also, Dan's game is going wonderfully. Since he's running it like an old NES game, I've started an FAQ/walkthru file for it. It needs a lot of work, and will ultimately require the assistance and input of the other players, but when it's done it should make for a pretty good account of what went on and, just possibly, a decent outline for an actual video game if I ever get the RPG maker software I had briefly back.
Not much else to tell. Work's work; frustrating, but not moreso than usual at the moment. I have no movement on the job front, but I'm hoping to have several new applications in circulation shortly. Weather's been great, and I've been more social than previously. All told, things aren't great but aren't bad either.
Have a nice day, everyone. More as it develops. |
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| Anime |
[Feb. 20th, 2009|06:11 pm] |
I've been watching a lot of it lately. I just finished Desert Punk. Kinda funny, kinda crass, strange ending, but OK for all of that. I have several other series to choose from for the next thing.
I was going to make this post longer, but something's come up; I'll write again later. |
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